Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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