Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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