that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
The Olympian is in my bed
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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