Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
time to smoke my breakfast
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
