i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Maybe he injected his testicle?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
