4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
