and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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