tonight lets celebrate not being married
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
