the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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