Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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