Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
