mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
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I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
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The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize