What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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