Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
