I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
