my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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