I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
