i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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