Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
