Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
