My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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