The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
