The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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