I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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