i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
