puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
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today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
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I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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