I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
