last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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