So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
operation harelip BJ is a go
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I believe in your delicious
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
