he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
