this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
