Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
