I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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