If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
