Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
