You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
