this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
