Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
