Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
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