Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
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His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
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I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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