the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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