The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
