the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
