I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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