my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
