I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
