4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Randomize
