OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
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my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
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The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
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