He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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