While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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