the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Randomize
