the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
