Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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