is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
