You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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