she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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