when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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