my mouth tastes like poor choices
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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