I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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