Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
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